Saturday, September 18, 2010


I woke up from a nightmare this morning and laid in bed and thought.  I thought about how my nausea is starting to be less severe (I wish it would just go away all together) and how hard the past few months have been.  I thought about the fact that I have missed out on so much, birthdays, dinners, church and spending time with loved ones.  I thought about how some days every waking moment was plagued with nausea.  I thought about how I used to spend hours in my shower, laying there, letting the water hit my face, crying, praying and worshipping.  I thought about the fact that sometimes those showers were my only solace, my times reaching out to my God, begging for mercy, for health, and for my child being formed.  I prayed if I was doing anything to cause me being so sick, He would show me.  I prayed for a strong, healthy child despite my own inability to keep food down.  This morning I laid in bed on a grey day and still prayed those prayers.  I prayed for strength to continue to keep myself healthy, I prayed for my son to get everything he needs and I thanked God for never leaving me alone, even in my lowest points the past few months.  This has been, by far the hardest thing I have ever physically gone through.  At times I have felt like someone with a terminal illness.  I thought about needing to have someone take care of me, even to get my food from the kitchen because I couldn't stand to be near all the food.  I thought about how wonderful it would be to feel normal for a moment.  In all those low points, He was always by my side, even the times I was too sick to notice.  He blessed me with a friend who always called and with a husband who always came home.  Today, I feel sick and I feel thankful.  One day I will tell my son how sick I have been, and how God worked in his little body, kept him healthy and strong despite all that.  And for all these things, I am thankful.

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