Saturday, September 18, 2010
I woke up from a nightmare this morning and laid in bed and thought. I thought about how my nausea is starting to be less severe (I wish it would just go away all together) and how hard the past few months have been. I thought about the fact that I have missed out on so much, birthdays, dinners, church and spending time with loved ones. I thought about how some days every waking moment was plagued with nausea. I thought about how I used to spend hours in my shower, laying there, letting the water hit my face, crying, praying and worshipping. I thought about the fact that sometimes those showers were my only solace, my times reaching out to my God, begging for mercy, for health, and for my child being formed. I prayed if I was doing anything to cause me being so sick, He would show me. I prayed for a strong, healthy child despite my own inability to keep food down. This morning I laid in bed on a grey day and still prayed those prayers. I prayed for strength to continue to keep myself healthy, I prayed for my son to get everything he needs and I thanked God for never leaving me alone, even in my lowest points the past few months. This has been, by far the hardest thing I have ever physically gone through. At times I have felt like someone with a terminal illness. I thought about needing to have someone take care of me, even to get my food from the kitchen because I couldn't stand to be near all the food. I thought about how wonderful it would be to feel normal for a moment. In all those low points, He was always by my side, even the times I was too sick to notice. He blessed me with a friend who always called and with a husband who always came home. Today, I feel sick and I feel thankful. One day I will tell my son how sick I have been, and how God worked in his little body, kept him healthy and strong despite all that. And for all these things, I am thankful.