Medicine for a lonely heart ♥

He gets up so early, stumbles out of bed, quietly gets ready and leaves for work.

Sometimes I get up with him, though not as often as I used to, I watch him get ready, rub my tired face as I try to focus on conversation, and kiss him fondly when he leaves begging for a promise that he will come home to me safely.

Some of these times I cannot fall back asleep after he goes. My bed is empty if he isn't in it, and no matter how tired I am, I miss his very presence, his warmth on my right side, even his stinky breath as he sighs in his sleep.

So, I resign myself to getting online until the exhaustion returns and I can get a couple more hours of sleep. 

There is nothing like, in the moments of missing the one you love, putting on a cozy shirt he wore the day before, wrapping yourself in its warmth, and smelling the lover you wish was by your side.  I am doing that at this very moment...and while it makes me miss him even more, it puts a smile on my face thinking of how big a of a hug he'll get when he comes home after a long day of work.  ♥

Pitter Patter

Ok, so I don't hear the pitter patter of little feet yet, but I am starting to feel it =).  What an amazng journey.  So in awe of it.  Praying I meet the challenges ahead with love and wisdom.  Praying I will be a good mother to this little one, I already know he deserves it.  ♥

My name's not Fred.

This is for my girls who are due in January. 

i apologize for the lack of make up and the wet hair.

He watches random shows with horrible acting...about the end of the world.

I turn my head and give him a weird look.

He changes the channel.

Two seconds later, he is watching the weird end of the world show again.

I turn and look at him and raise my eyebrows...he raises his. 

We have just bonded. 

It is weird....but so are we.  We have inside jokes, that really mean nothing, but make up feel close in crowded room...or even in an empty one.  Tonight, I am content with my love.  He is so different from me, and is exactly what I need.

If I had

I am listening to old songs.  Songs I listened to in high school, heck, songs my sister listened to when she was in high school.  Songs that touched my soul then, and touch my soul now.  Songs that filled my ears when I was a very different person.  I am the type of person who can listen to a song and recall places I sat when I listened to them.  I remember people who played them on their guitars, friends I thought of when I heard the lyrics and tears I cried when I listened to them over, and over....and over.

I look at who I am now and compare me to who I was then.  I was skinnier, that's for sure.  I was also very unsure of myself.  I relied heavily on the fact that my friends would always be there.  I wanted to morph myself into them.  I would start picking up habits from them, the things they said and the way that they said them.  (This BUGGED my mom, especially when I said "dude" every other word).  I was not my own person, but rather a mirror, trying to mimic the people I looked up to. 

I wonder what life would have been like if I was how I am now.  I am not prettier, definitely fatter, but more confident.  I could care less if my hair isn't just so.  Yes, I spent lots of time in front of the mirror making sure my slicked back hair had no parts in it (what wasted time, I could've slept more!).  I probably would've been liked more...by boys.  I know who I am now.  I can havea  fun conversation without wondering if every word sounded stupid.  That cute boy from tenth grade probably would've at least noticed me.  I would've spent so many less hours feeling brokenhearted.  I probably would've been much better hydrated, because I would've cried less tears.  I would've studied more, laughed more and lived more.  But, I spent so much time uncomfortable in my own skin.  I agonized oveer every word and cared so much what people thought.  I still care what people think when I shouldn't.  I still feel self concious from time to time, like anyone.  I am now stronger.  I have lived life.  I have felt pain, been broken and been healed.

I can spend hours remembering things I could've said. I can spend so much time mourning friendships that were never cultivated.  But it would be such a waste because I would not change a thing.  I would not change the lessons that I learned, the paths they led me down and the person I have become. I will, however listen to those songs and be reminded of where I come from.  I will listen to those songs and still let them touch my soul.  Some words never lose their touch, even when set to music.  I will always have a heart yearning to be ministered to even though I have become a different person. 

Besides, my husband is way cuter than any of those boys were ♥

Press Play.

Now read:

With this new blessing God is bringing into our lives, I have been so very sick.  Morning sickness isn't an accurate description.  Imagine a horribly strong, nagging nausea accompanied with bouts of violent puking....times that by 10, and you'll have a close idea of what I have been feeling for the past few months.  ound horrid?  Yea..it is.  But, to say I have 2 1/2 months of it under my belt makes me feel accomplished.  I have survived 10 weeks of this...and, I pray to God, that I have very little left of it to endure.  I have definitely been brought to my knees, and have found very little relief from it. 

This evening, however, was one of those very infrequent times when I have been able to breathe calmly without feeling the urge to throw up.  I had a couple of hours where I felt almost normal...almost.  I called up  (ok, texted, actually) my dear friend who I have not seen/talked to in some time and asked to be taken out for tea.  I walked out of my door and smelled the city smells, an aroma I escape inside all day, laying on my couch.  I got in a car and was driven down a busy street I had not walked on in months.  I stood in line and savored the smell of freshly ground coffee and ordered my decaf green tea.  I spent a sweet time holding that tea, just holding it, for at least thirty minutes while I caught up with my friend.  I hope I remember the things I wanted to walk away from that conversation with.  The feeling of being understood.  The idea that some relationships are what you make them.  And the notion that I need to let go of my ideas about things and just go with the flow sometimes. 

I pray that these moments come upon me more often the next few months, as I so want them to.  I thank God for friendship that is sweet, for smells often overlooked, and for the feeling that you are normal..at least for a little while.

♥

I yearn...

I have been so sick over the past 2 1/2 months that I have pretty much been confined to the comfort of my home.  It is much better to throw up one's own toilet than someone elses, this is a fact I am quite sure of.  I have realized I have let my passions fade, and this makes me sad. I have been passionate about many thing in my life, and I need to rekindle that.  This ranges from the most important, my passion for Jesus, to the less important, creativity, reading, etc.  I MISS so much. I MISS the relationship I had with the Lord, where every thought I had was a prayer.  I was so intimate with my Savior, i could not finish my day without picking up my Bible and reading it.  I remember when every page was alive, when I couldn't NOT be excited to hold it in my hand and think that He had something to tell me. I miss being a part of a worship team.  When all that existed when I closed my eyes were voices I tried to blend mine with, and Jesus.  That was it.  Just trying to honor Him with my voice and seeking Him.  I miss that.  I miss the excitement.  I am sad I have let that fade away, but I am so thankful because I know that I can get that back.  

I hope I am nearing ending the sickness from this pregnancy so I can live again.  So I can go outside and take a walk and smell the flowers, feel the warm sun on my skin.  I look forward to spending much needed time with friends I haven't seen in weeks.  I look forward to planning for this new life.  I have so much ahead of me, and I feel I have a lot to do, I just need to do it.  I need to move forward.  I need to reach out and grab the things I have let drift away.  I need to be passionate again, I yearn for that.