If I had

I am listening to old songs.  Songs I listened to in high school, heck, songs my sister listened to when she was in high school.  Songs that touched my soul then, and touch my soul now.  Songs that filled my ears when I was a very different person.  I am the type of person who can listen to a song and recall places I sat when I listened to them.  I remember people who played them on their guitars, friends I thought of when I heard the lyrics and tears I cried when I listened to them over, and over....and over.

I look at who I am now and compare me to who I was then.  I was skinnier, that's for sure.  I was also very unsure of myself.  I relied heavily on the fact that my friends would always be there.  I wanted to morph myself into them.  I would start picking up habits from them, the things they said and the way that they said them.  (This BUGGED my mom, especially when I said "dude" every other word).  I was not my own person, but rather a mirror, trying to mimic the people I looked up to. 

I wonder what life would have been like if I was how I am now.  I am not prettier, definitely fatter, but more confident.  I could care less if my hair isn't just so.  Yes, I spent lots of time in front of the mirror making sure my slicked back hair had no parts in it (what wasted time, I could've slept more!).  I probably would've been liked more...by boys.  I know who I am now.  I can havea  fun conversation without wondering if every word sounded stupid.  That cute boy from tenth grade probably would've at least noticed me.  I would've spent so many less hours feeling brokenhearted.  I probably would've been much better hydrated, because I would've cried less tears.  I would've studied more, laughed more and lived more.  But, I spent so much time uncomfortable in my own skin.  I agonized oveer every word and cared so much what people thought.  I still care what people think when I shouldn't.  I still feel self concious from time to time, like anyone.  I am now stronger.  I have lived life.  I have felt pain, been broken and been healed.

I can spend hours remembering things I could've said. I can spend so much time mourning friendships that were never cultivated.  But it would be such a waste because I would not change a thing.  I would not change the lessons that I learned, the paths they led me down and the person I have become. I will, however listen to those songs and be reminded of where I come from.  I will listen to those songs and still let them touch my soul.  Some words never lose their touch, even when set to music.  I will always have a heart yearning to be ministered to even though I have become a different person. 

Besides, my husband is way cuter than any of those boys were ♥